City Honors Fallen Hero
by Noah Vince – Daily Planet Senior Entertainment Columnist
METROPOLIS, APRIL 27 —
Earlier this week, a group of unwitting Metropolis school children rejoiced as Paper Mache Guy, the piñata-like hero who was granted his “superpowers” from Lex Luthor’s Everyman Project, met with an untimely death during their third grade class’s early celebration of Cinco de Mayo. The unfortunate accident was met only with cheers as the students reveled in the demise of the candy-filled hero, ruthlessly rooting through his carcass for delicious treats. Shocked by the brutal news, the Mayor’s office has declared this week Paper Mache Guy week, in honor of the man whose death accidentally brought smiles to so many.
The following local venues will be hosting planned events for the week-long celebration/mourning:
Metropolis Museum of Natural History – Monday 4/30
Ever been curious about the illustrious history of paper mache? Us neither! But if you’re in the mood to get back at your kids for throwing that tantrum while you were on the phone with your boss, drag the little buggers up to the Upper West Side’s largest exhibit of paper mache masks, piñatas, and false idols. The first fifty visitors will receive a free torn up newspaper and bag of flour!
The New Troy Zoo – Tuesday 5/1
It’s the ultimate scavenger hunt as children will have the time of their lives searching the zoo grounds for actual candy pieces direct from the corpse of Paper Mache Guy himself. Hey kids, I’d double check the monkey house if I were you. Is that a Jolly Rancher I spot underneath that 300-pound gorilla? I wouldn’t doubt it!
Winslow’s Toys – Wednesday 5/2
What better way to honor the death of a loved one than to purchase a tiny, inanimate plastic replica of him? Come down to Winslow’s Toys at noon and be the first in line to own your very own Paper Mache Guy action figure. And just like the real deal, pop off Paper Mache Guy’s head to reveal a vast treasure trove of candy wonders. Available in Mountainberry or Tutti Fruity Punch.
Al’s Auto Garage – Thursday 5/3
Al doesn’t have any idea who Paper Mache Guy is, but he would like people to know that his garage is “pretty okay” when it comes to prices, and that you probably won’t get “ripped off too much” if you bring your car there. Al is currently dating the Mayor’s daughter.
Siegel Piers – Friday 5/4
Batter up! That’s right, at six p.m., the renowned Siegel batting cages will be littered with Paper Mache Guy life-size dummies. So dust off the old cleats, grab your slugger of choice, and take a swing at one of hundreds of realistic effigies. Who knows, you could walk out of there carrying an arm full of candy treats!
City Hall – Saturday 5/5
Join Paper Mache Guy’s family and friends as they bid their loved one a final farewell in a live press conference from the courthouse steps. Listen in as they discuss favorite moments, fond memories, and what particular piece of candy they enjoyed the most when they were picking apart his delicious insides.