The Turkey Man Speaks
by Josef Schuman, Daily Planet Contributing Reporter
METROPOLIS, NOVEMBER 21 —
With the holidays already upon us, and a trip to the Everyman Project on everyone’s wish list, I sat down with one of their more recent alumnus, the appropriately-themed Turkey Man. Obviously a hectic time of year for the young hero, Turkey Man generously took some time out of his busy schedule, consisting of mall appearances and grocery store openings, to sit down with me, my tape recorder, and a side of mashed potatoes.
DAILY PLANET: So, the question on everyone’s mind is: Why turkey?
TURKEY MAN: Really, people are asking about me?
DP: Oh, no, that’s just a… a uh, figure of speech really.
TM: So no one is…
DP: Yeah, no. Not really, no. Sorry.
DP: But you can tell us anyway.
TM: Okay. Well, my thing is originality, you know? Everybody else, they go to the Everyman Project and they get like ice powers, or heat powers or something, right? Well, I wanted to be different. To really stand out.
DP: So you chose… turkey.
TM: Well, there wasn’t much left, really. It was either that or Paper Mache Guy. And that didn’t sound too powerful.
DP: Speaking of powers, exactly what are yours?
TM: Well, I’m flightless, which… really isn’t a power. I have these tryptophan fingers, you know? Like if I touch someone, they get kinda’ sleepy after a while. So that’s pretty cool. And I guess I’m delicious. I mean, I’d assume so.
DP: So every super hero – yawn – excuse me…
TM: No problem. I get that a lot.
DP: So every super hero has an origin story. Can you reveal a little of yours to us?
TM: Well, I don’t want to give too much away. I have the safety of my family and friends to think of. But I can tell you a little bit, I guess. I always knew I wanted to make a difference from when I was a teenager and my father took me to this press conference with the Justice League. It was the team that no one really talks about, you remember? The one with Booster Gold and the blue guy, and that green guy with the snack cookies. You know?
DP: hmm… oh. What?
TM: Are you listening to me?
DP: Sure. Sure. Cookies, I heard. Go on.
TM: It’s just… your eyes keep closing.
DP: No I’m listening. Go on.
TM: Okay, so there was the stretchy guy, Elastic Man? Was that his name? No, it… see! Right there. You’re doing it again.
TM: Oh, that’s right. You shook my hand earlier. Now it makes sense.
DP: No. I’m listening. We’re talking about cookies.
TM: No we’re not. You know, I have things to do, too.
TM: Okay, now you’re snoring a little.
TM: Right. Um, excuse me. Miss? Yeah, we’re gonna’ need a cup of coffee over here. Yeah, thanks. Oh, and maybe a little corn? Uncooked. Or really, any kind of grain will do. Thanks.
TM: Man, I wish I had ice powers.