The 52 special

This Chimp Can Chat

by Josef Schuman


Is he the only one of his kind, or the first sign of a future depicted vividly in 1968’s classic sci-fi film, Planet of the Apes? As he tells it, his only concern is whatever case he’s trying to crack. He is best known as Detective Chimp, the intelligent ape as skilled with a magnifying glass as he is with the English language. Encountered at Metropolis International Airport, where he was awaiting a flight to France, this simian Sherlock Holmes-wearing a deerstalker cap, a sports jacket, and a T-shirt saying “What are you looking at?”—agreed to a brief interview.

Daily Planet: What’s your real name?

Detective Chimp: Sorry, that’s a secret. Have to maintain my privacy. You want to call me something, Bobo will do. It’s the name my benefactor gave me when he first found me, and it kinda stuck.

DP: How successful can a chimpanzee, even an intelligent one, be as a detective?

DC: Not very, if you go by my bank account. All my clients stiffed me on their bills, because they knew that as a chimp, what could I do? I have no legal standing as a person or a citizen of the U.S., so I couldn’t get the law on my side to make them pay. Couldn’t pay the rent on my office space, my electricity bills… Even police dogs get free meals and free room and board-can’t tell you how many of them lorded that over me. Dogs can be real catty, you know? 

DP: How old are you?

DC: That’s a secret, too. I don’t want to be subjected to ageism as well as species discrimination.

DP: Is it true you’re politically active? You can’t even vote.

DC: I should be allowed to vote. I tried to force the issue. So I registered as a Republican-but only because I’ve never gotten along well with donkeys. They’re way too argumentative and set in their ways. Plus, there’s the fact that back when I was living in Africa, one of my best friends was an elephant. Simple as that, really.

DP: You can really talk to any animal?

DC: Only the ones that’ll listen.

Ask Prof. Expert!

Bring on The Thunder!

Dollers & Sense

Kentucky Derby Shocker: Bizzarbaro Runs Backwards Into History

Missing Heroes?

Star City Disaster

WGBS Announces Summer Season

Kahndaq To Open Embassy in Big Apple

Ask Prof. Expert!

Lex Luthor Guilty AND Innocent!

Wild Animals or Wild Imaginations?

What They Do

Ask Prof. Expert!

Despite Catastrophe, Fans Line Up for Comic-Con: Sub Diego

After the Crisis, Summer ends Early

Tarnished: Booster Approval Ratings Show “No Confidence”

Going For The Gold: Supernova Outshines Former Hero

Ask Prof. Expert!

Terror Teen Thwarted at Kahndaq Royal Wedding

Mysterious Signal From Space Received

This Chimp Can Chat

Booster Gold Funeral Draws Few

A Steel Trap

New Infinity, Inc. debuts, loses member

Luthor comeback continues

Review: The INFINITE CRISIS novel

Scientist disappearances continue; Magnus Now Among the Missing

Metropolis Massacre: “NEW JLA” Disbands Under Shadow Of Failure

Infinity Inc. Foils Daring Halloween Heist

Black Adam’s Halloween Hooey

Lola’s Lair: Starlight has ‘Star Quality’

“Everyman” Subject Turns to Crime

Bat-Signal Shines Again: The Light’s Back On, But Is Anybody Home?

The Turkey Man Speaks

Luthor Promises Safe, Fun Thanksgiving Parade

Madness at the Metropolis Mall

Drunken Magic Show Frightens Tourists

American Titan?

Dear Santa…

The Eve of Destruction – Part One

The Eve of Destruction – Part Two

Man on the Street

Teenager Arrested for Theft, Secedes from Country

Crazy Weather Confounds Citizens

Tourist Troubles in Kahndaq

The Fall of an Empire?

Your Valentine Horoscope

Fireside Reading

Remembering the Dibnys

Moments of Silence

In Pursuit of Death

Luthor in Lock Up

Ask Prof. Expert!

Man on the Street 2

Where are they now?

Doom Comes to Pisa

City Honors Fallen Hero

Interoffice Emails

Latest Online Edition

Latest Magazine