The 52 special

Ask Prof. Expert!

by Charles Expert, Professor of Advice-ology


Dear Prof. Expert, 

I have an ongoing problem with a neighbor of mine that I’m really not sure how to handle. This person, I’ll use the gender neutral name Chris, is very difficult to understand. I don’t mean that Chris speaks a foreign language, on the contrary, Chris’s English is perfect. The problem is that Chris makes no sense. Chris will ask me for rake and then, if I give him one, rant and rave something like, “What is this? A rake?! Why the hell do I need a rake, you incompetent fool?” I don’t know what to do. It’s impossible to guess what Chris really wants and I’m exhausted by the possibility of an outburst at any moment. Whenever I point this out, someone accuses me of being a naysayer or of getting hung up on semantics. How else can we communicate if we don’t…well…actually communicate!? How do I know what Chris is thinking? 

Help me Prof. Expert! 

Babel Fisherman

Dear Babel Fisherman, 

What am I, a mind reader!? Who told you that? Is it because I’m bald? Don’t fool yourself. If you could somehow know what Chris is thinking it would be even more confusing. The reason Chris can’t say things that make sense is that Chris can’t think things that make sense. Trust me. 

However, if you’re really interested in knowing what’s on Chris’ mind you should go and sign up to get psychic powers from the Everyman Project. Maybe peppering Chris up with some ‘mind bullets’ will get him thinking straight! 

Thus spoke Prof. Expert!

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