The 52 special

Ask Prof. Expert!

by Charles Expert, Professor of Advice-ology

METROPOLIS, MARCH 29 — 

Dear Prof. Expert,

I’ve been going through kind of a spiritual thing lately. Been doing that whole “find yourself” routine and what not. Do you have any advice for someone like me who’s in such a state of transition? Any tips on finding your true calling in life?

Thanks,
Changing in Beijing

Dear Changing,

There are many useful techniques for people in your transitional mindset. I’ve found these three to be the most helpful:

1. Visit an exotic local and meditate in some isolated environment. It’s important to clear your head at times like these. Afterwards you’ll wonder why you hadn’t done that sort of thing sooner. Like you were living in a cave or something.

2. Put yourself in a situation where you’re forced to act to some extreme. This could be as simple as standing up to a totalitarian boss for the first time, or as complex as facing a true enemy head-on. Either way, you’ll find you’ll cut right to the heart of the matter, and maybe walk away a new person entirely.

3. Write in to a local online paper and whine about your problems. I’m sure the busy columnist that you bother with your petty little midlife crisis has nothing going on in his life more interesting than how you’re having trouble deciding between the chocolate and rocky road ice creams when you visit the freezer section of your local grocer. You know, I’m going to send you my personal pager number so if this sort of emergency ever comes up again, you can get a hold of me no matter what time it is. Then maybe I can have you over for tea and Triscuits and we can play a rousing game of Russian roulette. Tell you what, I’ll let you go first if you let me load the gun. 

Prof. Expert

Dear Professor,

My best friend has been acting really strange lately. He’s snippy all the time, and we don’t joke around like we used to anymore. Take yesterday for example. I simply asked him if he wanted to go to the movies, and he looked at me all weird and then attempted to push me down a flight of stairs. Now, I’m a ninja belt in judo, so I managed to fend off his attack easily enough, but I still don’t think that kind of thing bodes well for our relationship. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Slightly Bruised in Santa Cruz

Dear Bruisey, 

It’s a little hard for me to give you advice for your particular situation without knowing all the details. For instance, if your best friend is anything like mine, he’s a slightly overweight golden retriever named Harold. I find that when Harold is moody, it’s usually because he has rabies or worms or something. I just take him to the vet, he gets a shot or two, and by the weekend he’s back to gnawing on my neighbor’s vinyl siding and attacking the FedEx guy.

So I guess what I’m saying is, either try to work out your problems by opening up the lines of communication, or you know, take your friend to a specialist and have him put to sleep.

Prof. Expert

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