Mysterious Signal From Space Received
by Clark Kent
METROPOLIS, AUGUST 31 —
The space-exploration division of Science and Technology Advanced Research (S.T.A.R.) Laboratories announced they have received an unusual transmission from outer space. The transmission, received and relayed back to Earth by an unmanned S.T.A.R. deep-space probe, has fueled speculation about the status and whereabouts of several noted heroes still missing after more than four months, including famed archaeologist Adam Strange, Starfire of the Outsiders, and former Justice League Europe member Animal Man.
The transmission, mostly garbled and filled with static, nonetheless contains some moments of clarity. Sound technicians at S.T.A.R. isolated those moments, which play as follows: “Feetal’s giz… get… fraggin’… freighter… out… fraggin’… way… blow… bits… stupid… bastich … head on spear… rush… food… water… fuel… towing… golden… knockers… strange…earth.”
Top linguists from around the world expressed great surprise at how much the transmission sounds like it is in English, though they acknowledge that several words are unfamiliar.
Colin Thesiger, a Professor of Linguistics at Harvard University who is also consulting with S.T.A.R., says it is currently impossible to accurately determine the context of the transmission, or to ascertain its meaning.
“To say anything now would be wild speculation on my part,” Thesiger said.
According to S.T.A.R., with the transmission’s origin point still unknown, trying to use it to locate the missing heroes would be the equivalent of “trying to find a microscopic needle in a haystack the size of the Pacific Ocean.”
The scientists of S.T.A.R. vowed, however, that they will continue to search for any information that might bring the missing heroes home.