Your Valentine Horoscope
by By Madame Xanadu, Contributing Psychic
METROPOLIS, FEBRUARY 15 —
Capricorn: Forgotten friends need your attention this week. Try stopping in to see a sick old acquaintance who doesn’t get many visitors. He may just have exactly what you’re looking for. Either way, old people always have free hard candy lying around, and you can probably raid his wallet without much resistance.
Aquarius: It might be a good time to get rid of some of that stock you’ve had lying around. Pretty soon the market’s going to be every man for himself. Remember that time you held onto those O.J. Simpson football cards when he was really popular? Yeah, this is pretty much the same thing.
Pisces: Be careful what you wish for in the weeks ahead. Remember that the heart isn’t always the best thing to follow, but it may be better than listening to your friend’s advice. And if all else fails, try listening to smooth jazz on Metropolis’s own 103.9. They rock. Hard.
Aries: Keep in mind that every cloud has a silver lining. Except in Kanhdaq. Well, unless you’re an umbrella salesman. Then it’s smooth sailing for you, buddy. Go out and buy yourself something pretty to celebrate.
Taurus: Fallen friends may bring about more questions than answers. A trip back home may be just the cure for what ails you. Unless you’re actually sick. Then I’d try real medicine. That seems to work for a lot of people.
Gemini: You know that special someone you’ve been seeing a lot of lately? You know how you’ve dreamt of living happily ever after together, and how you’ve thought that your life is only complete when you’re with him? Well don’t worry, the big day is right around the corner! One of you is going to die a horribly grisly death and the other will be damaged beyond repair! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Cancer: Try to keep your priorities in order in the weeks ahead. Is bidding on that action figure on that online auction really more important than going to your son’s soccer game? Well I guess if he’s really bad at soccer, then you don’t want to encourage him too much and give him false hope because then he’ll just spend all his time practicing and ignoring his school work, and before you know it, a promising job as a dental hygienist will be sacrificed for an attempted career in the MLS, and the next thing you know, your son will be living on the street in some shanty town, begging people for loose change and selling his body for medical experiments to some half-crazed mad professor in the East Village. So, yeah, bid away. Just keep in mind shipping costs. That’s how they get you.
Leo: You know that certain silver bullet collection that you had that could supposedly ward off were-beasts and the like? You remember when you sold that last week? Yeah, that was dumb.
Virgo: Your suspicions are right on the money, this time. That handsome architect that you met the other day certainly has been keeping his eye on you. But does he really need to follow you into the ladies’ room? I guess that’s up to you and your comfort level.
Libra: If you go on a road trip this week, it may not be the best idea to let a visually impaired friend drive. Keep in mind that to some people, green might not always mean go. But feel free to ignore this if you’re just trying to junk your car and collect on the insurance. Someone’s got to stick it to that lizard from the commercials. That accent’s not fooling anybody, pal.
Scorpio: In the near future, you may want to rethink that business venture with a family member. Or you know, not so much. I don’t even know your dad. I’m really just making this stuff up as I go, here.
Sagittarius: You’ll soon learn that on one rare occasion, you can certainlyjudge a book by its particularly unflattering cover. Except of course for “You Can Xana-Do It: A Beginner’s Guide to Love by Madame Xanadu.” I just want to state again for the record that my publisher hired that illustrator, and no, I don’t have any idea why they would draw raccoons in army helmets on the dust jacket of a book about relationships. Please buy it anyway.