by Josef Schuman, Daily Planet Contributing Reporter
SAN FRANCISCO, CA, DECEMBER 14 —
In numbers rivaling that of reality television audition shows, hundreds of young costumed heroes gathered earlier today at the famed Titans Tower located on a small island off the coast of San Francisco in the hopes of joining the ranks of the legendary Teen Titans superhero team. Although the media was not granted access to the meeting, this reporter set up shop at a local pier, capturing bits and pieces of the recruitment drive through the voices of the people who had the most to say about it: the rejects.
“I don’t think they really were all that fair about it,” said Sheep-Lad, a wool-covered young hero who considers himself “a natural born follower”. “I waited three days in line for a two minute interview, and all the while these people kept cutting in front of me, just because they had names people recognized. You ask me, people like Captain Marvel Jr. and Aquagirl are just redundant, you know? Sheep-Lad, I’m the real deal. One of a kind.”
When asked to demonstrate his “far-reaching abilities”, Sheep-Lad sheered a bit of wool from the top of his head, and asked if I happened to have a loom with me. I didn’t, so the interview was pretty much over at that point.
Other young heroes departed the island feeling a little less jaded. “It was great,” said Kid Devil, the one-time semi-sidekick of third-stringer Blue Devil. “I got to meet Beast Boy and Raven, and Plastic Man’s son. Even Osiris, when he showed up halfway through. The best part was, I got close enough to Flamebird to smell her hair. Wait… are you recording this? Please don’t tell her I said that. Seriously. I’m very lonely.”
And still there were a few that were convinced a callback was only minutes away. “I think I did pretty good,” said Gravy Boy, the sidekick and fellow Everyman Project guinea pig of the less-than-famous Turkey Man. “I aced the written exam, at least. Well, it wasn’t really an exam per se, more like a questionnaire. You know, name, address, contact info, that sort of thing. But I know I did that part right.”
“As far as the whole field test thing goes, well, they put me up against Bombshell, which really isn’t fair. That lady flies, so how’s she supposed to slip on my gravy slicks, you know? Put me up against Mas and Menos, and that’s a different story. Well, unless they like, ran around the slicks, or something. But what are the odds of that? Probably pretty good, I guess. Huh. I think I should have stopped talking a while ago.”
Other second, or third generation heroes also in attendance included Joker’s Daughter, Miss Martian, Zatara, the logo-clad Booster Pack, and Mr. Lover, whose sporting of a giant “L” on his face might give off a more fitting description of himself than his actual codename. When questioned, Mr. Lover explained that his mother made his costume, and in all fairness, she thought it looked pretty cool.
Like every audition, televised or not, the Titans recruitment drive had the misfits coming out of the woodwork, ready for their fifteen minutes of crime fighting fame. But surely once the smoke clears and the gravy is mopped away, a few new heroes will emerge, ready to take their place beside the other iconic members of this prestigious team. Or they’ll just settle for Sheep-Lad. It could go either way, really.