EVERYWHERE, MAY 3 —
To: Lois Lane
From: Perry White
Subject: State of the website
Sorry Lane, but I need you to write up a quick puff piece for tomorrow’s online front page. Something explaining why we’re not going to post any new articles on the site. The simple fact of the matter is that it’s just become too darn expensive paying for all those pixels and the like. We’re going to go under if we keep shelling out cash for all that digital mumbo jumbo. Paper’s the wave of the future, I’m telling you. The digital age is dead. A sheet of that online nonsense is triple the cost of a simple reel of newsprint.
But put a spin on it, Lane. Make it look like we’re not trying to cut corners or anything. Site some obscure study or something on how computers are bad for the eyes or…
Great Caesars’…are you seeing this? Look out the window. There’s some kind of giant insect in the sky. Man, that thing’s…
* The following was translated from German:
[To: Lois Lane
From: Perry White
Subject: The state of our beloved web page
My Dearest Lois,
Unfortunately things are not to proceed as I had hoped. The financial situation our news establishment is undergoing is forcing us to abandon our love of the online medium in pursuit of other venues. If only our benefactor, Mr. Lee Travis, was able to…
My word! Peer out your window this instant, Ms. Lane! There seems to be a giant moth gnawing at, yes, at the very sky itself. As if fiercely hungry, and the only thing to sate its ferocious appetite is, rather than a well-tailored sports jacket as is usually the case, the fabric of the very universe itself.
Egad, I wonder if there’s still time for a spot of tea. I’ve just recently purchased this delightful Earl Grey…]
To: Jimmy Olsen
From: Lois Lane – Editor-in-Chief
Subject: Website Nonsense
Listen worm, write up a piece for tomorrow’s online edition. The Subject: the death of the website. Make no excuses, and don’t give them any extra information. I want to see a germane article. Straight and to the point. Simply put: If you want to read more about what’s happening in the world, pay your fifty cents like everyone else. I’m not running a charity, Olsen. Make that clear to the rabble.
And no mention of Superwoman for once. Can you handle that, you little snitch? The world doesn’t care about what’s going on in that pathetic little heart of yours. In fact…
Oh, this is too funny. Are you seeing what’s happening outside the window? That moth thing is going to eat…
To: Ronald Troupe
From: Keith Robert White
Subject: Our website
Listen, so I just got back from meeting with the board of directors, and it seems like we’re going to have to stop posting on the site. We can keep the old articles around for a bit, but they said something about a limit of 52 or something… I don’t know. I get distracted easily when I have to meet with those guys.
Oh, and it feels weird to have to pull rank as your newly appointed editor (stop calling me Chief), but I’m going to have to cut short that “Magog Acquitted” article by a paragraph or two. We want to put a pie chart there and we have this really great angry-face Superman photo that…
Whoa, did you see that? A giant wing or something just flew by my window. Shoot, I have to go. Oh man, now where did I put Jimmy’s old watch…
To: Online Staff
From: Perry White
We don’t have time for this online nonsense. We’ve got a real story to cover out there. Just post this email chain and be done with it…