The 52 special

Teenager Arrested for Theft, Secedes from Country

by R. F. Mann

MIDWAY CITY, JANUARY 18 — 

“I no longer recognize the laws and restrictions of the United States government, and hereby declare myself an official member of the DC Nation.”

Those ambitious words rang out yesterday afternoon in the downtown business district, amidst a crowd of rush hour pedestrians and meandering tourist onlookers. A bold declaratory statement by any account, but one made that much more memorable when considering its orator: Steven Plaque, a slightly out-of-shape high school student wearing a Hawaiian shirt with cake stains on it and a hat bearing the logo of a rather famous cartoon troupe of shape shifting robots.

“I was just fed up,” said Plaque. “I’ve been at odds with our government’s politics for years now, and today was the last straw. I’m now an official member of the DC Nation, and as such, I only acknowledge the bylaws and restrictions set up therein. I no longer choose to associate myself with America, and with whatever silly ‘laws’ they try to enforce upon me. I answer to a higher authority.”

“Yeah… no he doesn’t,” was the response from police officer Eddie Frost. “Mr. Plaque was clearly caught on videotape stealing an issue of the monthly Ambush Bug comic book, and when the store owner questioned him about it, he fled the scene, ranting about some fictional fairyland or something. Some country I’ve never heard of.”

Frost continued, “Anyway, I chased him down, which wasn’t that hard since the guy collapsed after two blocks, and that’s when he took his comic, threw it on the ground, and stood on it. He then proceeded to declare himself on sovereign soil or something like that. But come on, the guy was just standing on the sidewalk in front of a Sundoller Coffee House. So I did what I was trained to do. I hit him with my nightstick a couple times until he started to cry, and then I took him to the precinct.”

“This is ridiculous,” argued Plaque from his holding cell. “The DC Nation believes that comic books should be distributed free and without discrimination. These bars may hold my body, but they can’t restrain my soul, or my spirit on the astral plane for that matter.”

As of this writing, the United Nations has refused to acknowledge the DC Nation as a sovereign power. “I think you have to have land or something, don’t you?” said U.N. clerk Griffin Girard. “I don’t know, ask my boss. I just make copies and stuff.”

When finally caught up with, U.N. representative Evelyn Gold had this to say, “Are you kidding me here? I’ve never even heard of a DC Nation. Is that some sort of comic nerd in-joke or something? I really don’t have time for this. I’m just trying to buy a bagel here before I have to get back to work.”

Whether real or imagined (well let’s be honest, pretty much imagined), this mysterious DC Nation has made its impression on at least one of America’s disenfranchised youth. Said Plaque, “I will personally see to it that the DC Nation receives the import and the credibility that it deserves. If I have to visit every government official in every nation to get my voice heard, I will do just that. Well, as long as it’s after noon and there aren’t any good shows on. TiVos aren’t one hundred percent, you know.”

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