The 52 special

Missing Heroes?

by Dexter Kipp, Contributing Editorial Correspondent

METROPOLIS, MAY 10 — 

Superman? Missing. 

Batman? Missing. 

Wonder Woman? Missing. 

But are they missed? 

Before you answer, let me point out a few things about these “superheroes.”  

The alien, Superman? He’s long been the enemy of some of our greatest industrialist politicians. His power is great, but where is his loyalty? Some claim that he’s a great patriot to his host nation, but his loyalty is at his whim. He is not a man. He is not a patriot. The true patriots are the soldiers who stare down the barrel of menace to protect our way of life. The journalists who duck menace to exercise our way of life. Bullets won’t bounce off these patriots. No, he is not a patriot, he is an alien. He is a weapon, a weapon of mass destruction. Do I miss having an indestructible rocket flying around my city shooting laser beams at will? No, I don’t. 

What about the criminal, Batman? Bats are vermin on the wing. Despite some peoples’ claims that this criminal is on the side of the law, he is a hindrance. If he wanted to stop criminals, he would join the Gotham Police Department like the true heroes of that city. No matter what vermin bats may destroy, they are still vermin themselves. If Batman can clean the criminal stink from the streets of Gotham, who then can clean the stink of Batman? Do I miss the sick sound of fleshy wings beating down the air in Gotham? No, I don’t. 

And who can forget, the murderer, Wonder Woman. We’ve all seen this pagan’s pernicious handiwork. She is not a demigod, she is a demon. She’s been hiding behind her ‘diplomatic’ post and working against the interests of our nation long enough. When confronted by a true patriot in the man of Max Lord, she takes the tact that any tyrant would, using all her strength to murder him. Anything that challenges her, she’ll destroy. Could I write this if she were still here? Not safely. Are we less safe with her missing? No, quite the contrary. The world of patriotic Americans is safer without Wonder Woman. 

So some of our monsters are missing. Some are gone for good. And I mean for good, not just forever. I won’t even berate these misguided morons who are already erecting statues for the departed. These statues may be iconic tributes to them, but to me, they are both a chilling reminder of fallen tyrants, and a comforting reminder that they have passed. 

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman are missing. But they should not be missed. 

Dexter Kipp is the host of the syndicated talk radio show “Right Now!” the author of “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Everything.” and “You’re An Idiot and Here’s Why.”His opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Daily Planet, its management or owners.

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