The 52 special

Crazy Weather Confounds Citizens

by Fareed Sariego

METROPOLIS, JANUARY 25 — 

It looks as if Old Man Winter has finally reared his ugly head in the city, bringing with him the first major snowfall of the year, and leaving many New Troy residents wondering where he’s been for the last few months, and if he’s planning an extended visit this time around.

This state of pessimism and confusion is not unfounded due to the odd weather patterns that Metropolis, along with the rest of the country, has been witnessing as of late. With record breaking high temperatures in January, many citizens are wondering if the weather is not a result of global warming or even a sign of a coming apocalypse.

“It’s not natural,” said Josie Madelyn, a 52-year-old shoe salesperson and lifetime resident of the colloquially dubbed Suicide Slum. “I’m wearing shorts to work Thursday, then Friday I gots to wear a parka? Uh uh, Mr. Weatherman. No thank you. This ain’t no El Nino or nothing like that. This here is the Lord’s doing. Say your prayers, is all I’m saying. The end is coming.”

“I don’t think it’s quite the end of the world,” said Sam Kowalak, a 24-year-old grad student visiting from Vanity University. “I mean, it’s not like the skies are turning red or the four horsemen are riding through the streets. It’s just some kooky weather. But what’s new about that? Remember that time the sun almost went out? Now that was weird weather. I had to cancel my school trip to Cancun. And I was totally going to get this sweet tattoo of this turtle wearing a beret and smoking a cigarette. Tattoos are like half price there.”

No matter what John and Jane Q. Public have to say, weather officials are urging people to be aware of the ever-shifting conditions in their environment. “We’re telling people to stay warm, wear plenty of layers, and try to avoid the freezing winds,” said Kelso Robinson, Lead Analyst for S.T.A.R. Labs’ Environmental Department. “But then again, last week we were telling people to drink plenty of fluids and avoid prolonged exposure to the sun. So, you know, do what you want.”

Still others have their own ideas explaining the radical climate changes. “I don’t know what all the mystery is about, it’s pretty obvious to me,” said Snapper Carr, a 26-year-old currently “in between gigs” visiting from Happy Harbor. “It’s the Weather Wizard. I don’t know why the cops aren’t looking into this. I mean, when paintings of cats go missing, people aren’t all like ‘it’s a natural phenomenon’ and junk. No, they go after Catwoman. When giant toys rampage through the city, people aren’t like ‘hey it’s the end of the world, I best buy me some canned ham, batteries and bottled water.’ No, they arrest Toyman. So now the weather’s going crazy, and people are blaming global warming? Yeah, let’s see global warming go toe-to-toe with the Flash. It’ll have more than just a hole in its ozone, let me tell you.”

Whatever the reason for the odd temperature fluctuations, the Mayor’s office is urging the people of Metropolis to “sit tight”. “Cancel travel plans, and just stay inside whenever possible,” said spokesperson for the Mayor’s office, Anna Tyndall. “It’s really the best advice we can offer people right now. To just wait this thing out. After all, it can’t go on for that many more weeks, right?”

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