Smallville Torch — Season One

NORMAL GIRLS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

by Chloe Sullivan

Listen up, ladies. I’m about to propose something completely revolutionary. It’s a bold test of human will, a high-stakes battle against socialization. It’s crazy, it’s “out there,” but it just might work.

You see, my fine female friends, each day at Smallville High, we’re falling deeper and deeper into a “chick” trap, and I’m tired of it.

In order to shake things up a bit, I dare you to quit being a girl for one week. 

That’s right, you heard me. Just stop it. It’s making me sick–the diets, the negative self-image, all of it. Don’t get me wrong; this is not a holier-than-thou rant. I’m sick of me too. But being the proactive freakazoid that I am, I actually need to do something about it. So for one week, I’m staging a girl revolt and I want YOU to get on board!

By joining me, you agree to abstain from all conversations beginning with the following phrases:

1. “I hate my ______ (enter body part here)”…
2. “If only I looked like ______ (enter hard-to-pronounce supermodel name here)”…
3. “I’ll never eat ______ (enter anything from carb section of food pyramid here)”…
4. “I’m saving up to get my ______ done (enter body part from #1 here)”… 
5. “I wish I were ______-er (enter adjective)”…

The way I see it, the whole chicks-with-self-image-problems thing is so 1992. And if you really want to get into it, I suspect it’s a widespread conspiracy designed to keep women from concentrating on things that really matter. In my business, they call that a red herring.

Don’t believe me? Think about these creepy tidbits: Ever notice that when you’re hungry, you feel weak? That’s no accident. What about when cults starve people to persuade them to join? Coincidence? I think not. I know I’m always shouting about some conspiracy. But this one’s for real, and if we don’t watch it, it’ll take over our lives.

So in conclusion, I suspect that if we all refrain from talking about the above-mentioned topics, I have a funny feeling Smallville High will be pretty quiet all week. Even if it’s only for a few days, it’ll be a relief.

MY SEASON AS A BENCHWARMER
Doing My Part For The Cause

by Pete Ross

Pick up any sports page, even the Torch‘s, and you’ll read headlines about how the quarterback won the game for the football team or how the pitcher led the baseball team to victory. But there’s another story you may not know. It’s the one about the player with the unofficial position that’s just as important: the benchwarmer. I should know–this year, it was me.

The benchwarmer is no slacker position. I still ran in all the drills, lifted all the weights, played in all the scrimmages. Man, I was also scout team running back! I venture to say that a major reason our defense was so good this year was because they had the greatest tackling dummy in the state of Kansas to pound on. Those dudes would smash me! This is important. I inspire confidence.

As benchwarmer, your job is not to actually “warm the bench.” You have real responsibilities. During the games, a benchwarmer is sort of like a fan who gets to wear the pads without being considered a freak. You’re there to pat your boys’ shoulders after they make a huge play. You’re there to pick a brother up when he’s feeling down about a fumble. And you’re also there when the guy in front of you on the depth chart goes down with an injury. Your job is to always be ready. And most importantly, your job is to have a good attitude.

The coaches say I give the team a lot of heart. And I appreciate that. Giving my all to the cause gave me a sense of tremendous satisfaction this season. And in the end, I got to be part of a state championship team.

I enjoyed my first season with the Crows and was glad to learn that it’s not always a bad thing to warm the bench. Next time you go to a game–any game–look for that guy on the bench–he’s doing his part.