Smallville Torch — Season One

SPRING FLING FLUNG

By Jake Black

The mid-dance announcement that three twisters were heading towards Smallville caused students attending the Spring Formal to echo the sentiments of a song special guests Remy Zero had played only minutes prior: “Save Me.” A nervous hush fell over the crowd of tuxedoed boys and beautifully dressed girls as they were told to remain in the building until clearance from the National Weather Service had been given.

“I was so nervous. But even more, I was scared for my family and Dave’s family,” said Jenny Ord, who attended the dance with boyfriend Dave Burnham. Burnham expressed his concerns in action, his attitude reflective of many students, by leaving his date to call home and check on his family’s safety. Some students, so desperate to be with their families, snuck out of the school, abandoning their dates on what many consider the biggest night of the year.

Ways and Means Committee Chair Ellen Rydzewski confirmed that the dance, which was ultimately canceled due to the storm, cannot be rescheduled. “We’re at the end of the year,” Rydzewski said, “and that leaves us with no time and no money to reschedule the dance.” She added, “Due to legal concerns, Remy Zero was taken to an undisclosed location for protection during the storm and left town as soon the weather cleared up. They had to do what was best for them, and I totally understand. We’d love to have them back, but that, too, seems unlikely in the immediate future.”

The Spring Formal is traditionally the kickoff to summer for many Smallville High students, and in spite of the weather concerns and premature last dance, this year’s was no different.

“I hope that everyone still has a good summer,” Rydzewski said. “The Spring Formal is about making memories, and I think no one will ever forget tonight!”

STRANGEST EVENT IN SMALLVILLE HISTORY

By Chloe Sullivan

Not-so-spontaneous human combustion. Deer jerky. Heat-sucking jockos. Not mere paranormal catchphrases for us. All of these happened here–phenomenal events that made their way into our mythos and up onto my Wall of Weird.

But one recent incident might just take the top spot.

Sure, the tornado was pretty newsworthy, but my faithful readers have come to expect something deeper than just reporting from this column. When I sniffed out the “story behind the story” this time, I knew it was my journalistic responsibility to blow the lid off it, so here goes.

After a tornado hits, where’s the first place the local talkingheads flock for their “team coverage?” Now ask yourself, did you see any special reports from there this time? Stick with me–I’m going somewhere with this.

I thought I had hit a dead end in my theorizing when I found a rather large, pink object out by Hobson’s Pond that seemed to refute my carefully wrought hypothesis. But that specimen proved to have been only lifted by the storm from our neighbor, Grandville, and deposited here.

“It’s a miracle, pure and simple! That’s the only way I can describe it,” Smallville resident Andy Lowry told me. “I had just finished sinking a new waste line. Me and Daisy was runnin’ for cover, and all I kept thinkin’ was ‘Oh God, please, it took me all damn day to get that thing right, please spare it your fury!’ When we emerged, everything was just the way I had left it. I’m not gonna lie–I began to cry. It’s a miracle, I tell ya.”

A miracle, indeed. More so than Andy realizes.

You’d have to dig pretty deep into the Smallville history books–deeper than I could, apparently–to find another such occurrence.

Thus, I bring you this newsflash:

Smallville experiences devastating tornado . . . worst damage the town has seen since October 1989, D.O.S (date of shower) . . . but . . .

NO MOBILE HOME PARKS WERE DAMAGED.

Only in Smallville, dear friends, only in Smallville.