Smallville Torch — Season One

Smallville: America’s Strangest Town

By Chloe Sullivan 

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve laid the theories out for you. I brought it to the people to help me figure out why Smallville has quickly become America’s strangest town. From 1989 on, things have gotten pretty whack funky around here, and some of you out there seem to feel the same way as I do. The following are some of the theories you’ve sent in to me. I’ve withheld my commentary on each so you can come to your own conclusions.

Surprisingly, the Torch is really getting out there, as I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from people who probably haven’t eaten at our school cafeteria since 1968. Thanks to those of you in the community who have written in and gone out of your way to obtain the Torch.

Theory #1:
Sender Name: Jim
Title: Weirdness in Smallville
Hey Chloe:
Great detective work! But I don’t think you can blame this on the merry Luthor clan. My father works at S.T.A.R. Labs, where Smallville sends data from the strangest phenomena that occur here in order to get it analyzed. He said that the tests performed so far on Tina Greer show that her skeletal and lymph systems are bonded to some sort of radioactive material that hasn’t been identified. He checked the characteristics of this substance against a couple of the meteorite rocks he collected from our property and thinks he’s found a match. Most of these strange occurrences have similar connections to the meteor shower. Though I agree that Lionel Luthor’s an aggressive businessman who will stop at nothing to succeed, I don’t think he is responsible for the strange things that have happened (even his own son was affected by the meteor shower). Keep thinking outside the box, and I’m sure you’ll find other things and people that all these weird things have in common. It could be right in front of you and you won’t see it. Great job and good luck.

Theory # 2
Sender Name: Maude
Title: Conspiracy Theory
I think that there’s one factor in the “What’s wrong with Smallville” equation that you can’t dismiss: Cheerleaders. Now, I know that we’ve had cheerleaders since long before both the meteor shower and the opening of the Luthor plant, but you have to put two and two together.

This is a long-term plan that the cheerleaders have set into motion. They began early this century, cheering their devious battle cry, “Fight, fight, fight!” This incessant call to violence has long weighed on the subconscious of our citizens.

Now, after years of violent and incendiary cheerleader propaganda and subliminal programming, the citizens are ripe for the cheerleaders’ evil bidding. Their most loyal devotees? The football team. Notice anything strange about our beloved coach? Tina Greer tried to infiltrate their ranks, and where did it land her? Any coincidence that Lana Lang seems to be at the center of these mysterious events? I think not.

Theory # 3
Sender: Michelle
Title: Meteorite Fertilizer Plant
Here’s a thought that will make your blood run cold…or turn green, a nice healthy glowing green. What if the meteors are being ground up by LuthorCorp and then put in the fertilizer they sell… Hmmm, farmers use it and contaminate the ground water and the water table. In other words, take meteorite, add water and voilà, the instant zaniness that is Smallville.

More theories? Bring ’em on–e-mail them to Chloe.

TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF THE DRIVER’S SEAT

By Pete Ross

I’ll start by getting this out in the open: Until last week, I had never gone on a really good date in my life. Sure, I’d gone with girls to this dance or that event as a “friend-friend” thing, but nothing really added up to something I would classify as success. That all changed last week, when I had an experience that made me discover what might make the whole dating ritual much more manageable.

Last week, I took a female “friend” to The Beanery. Things were going well–we were clicking. The next thing I knew, another friend offered me a chance to use her limousine for the night. I’m here to tell you–a whole new world opened up to me.

For starters, by not having to drive, you have a whole lot of freedom you wouldn’t otherwise have, and you can actually enjoy a “date.” No need to struggle to play DJ while steering–there’s someone else driving, and there’s a CD player right at your disposal in the back, giving you heightened control over the mood music.

Not worrying about the traffic can also mean you can pay more attention to the person you’re playing the music for. Girls can tell when they’re talking and you’re not really listening, and trust me, if they catch you doing that they won’t ever bother with you again. By taking a limo and letting someone else do the driving, you can give your date your undivided attention.

There are other advantages to going limo. You do not have to clean out all that junk you keep in your car. A good limo should come fresh and clean. Even if you mess it up on your date, they take care of the mess for you (within reason). You also won’t have to borrow your dad’s old clunky orange car or your uncle’s white pickup truck. Instead of that junked-up set of wheels, you’ve got something that will leave your date speechless. Her parents won’t think you’re some redneck bum picking her up; instead, they’ll think you are someone heading for success. Plus they won’t worry about your safe driving. And with the recent driving record of many of our classmates, this may be a good way to get the parentals to help flip the bill.

I encourage my fellow men of Smallville High to forgo the whole “borrow Mom’s car” thing next time there’s a prom or a dance and instead shell out the extra dough to rent a limo. It costs a lot less than you may think, and you might impress the ladies enough that they may actually want to see you again. And hey, after the whole incident at our last dance that left three trucks piled out back, maybe bringing your own wheels isn’t such a hot idea anyway!

[Note! On the recommendation of my good friend and editor Chloe, I want to include a disclaimer that this is NOT meant to imply in any way that the ladies of Smallville High are shallow. Instead, my goal is to inform the other male Crows that there’s an easier way and a better way to have a good date and give more attention to her.

Thanks
–Pete

THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL SPEECH EVER GIVEN IN SMALLVILLE

By Pete Ross

Twenty-four years ago, the SHS prom theme was “Saturday Night Fever,” Styx was voted band of the century, and in an unprecedented event, SHS valedictorian Laura Potter (mother of current SHS student Lana Lang) delivered a graduation speech that was never transcribed in the Torch due to its “controversial nature.” Well, today, since the Torch is all about controversy, we have decided to reprint the address in its entirety, because, as with most censored speech, it contains the words that most forcefully speak the truth. We hope you get as much from it as we did here at the Torch.

Ladies and gentlemen, graduating seniors: good evening. Those familiar words open every graduation speech at Smallville High, and I use them deliberately because the rest of my speech will not be so reassuring. I never made a difference here, but maybe my children can.

When I first came to Smallville High, I was full of hope. Hope that I could make an impact. That it would be different for me. That I could change Smallville instead of letting it change me. Unfortunately, four years later, I stand before you as valedictorian of the graduating class of 1977, and all I can tell you is that you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I know these speeches are supposed to be about memories, about shared moments that will last a lifetime. But my best memory of Smallville is the day I realized I could leave this town behind.

Though my memories are few, my regrets are many. I regret that I didn’t stand up for James Alexander when he was picked on in the cafeteria. That I didn’t speak up when Sally Adams left town because she was socially excommunicated by a group of girls she called friends. I should have spoken out, should have said something, should have raised my voice in protest. But I didn’t. I sat quietly with my mouth shut, just like the rest of you.

I put on my cheerleading uniform and my pom-pom smile, and when the going got rough, I recessed into a book. That’s probably what got me here in front of you today. But I’d happily give it all back if I could. I’d trade in the pom-poms and the straight A’s and the college acceptance for just one thing: the chance to stand up for what was right. So you see, you should be ashamed of yourselves, but no one is more ashamed than I.

Good luck with your futures. I hope you leave the cruelty and ignorance behind–I know I will.