Smallville Torch — Season One

CROWS WIN STATE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR WALT!
Burton Carries Team

By George “The Streak” Talmer
Reprinted from Saturday’s Smallville Ledger

Interim Head Coach Wayne Quigly has been waiting in the wings for years as Walt Arnold’s brilliant defensive coordinator and assistant head coach. Well, last week in front of an estimated 10,000 screaming fans at the LuthorDome in Metropolis, the Crows knocked off heavily favored Robert Dole High School 21-7, bringing Smallville its third Kansas State title in school history.

Wearing black wristbands with the initials “W.A.” on them, the Crows held the Jayhawks’ top-rated offense to its lowest point total this season. “We blitzed ’em hard all night and really threw them off of their game plan,” howled Crows linebacker Trevor Chapell, back from serving his one-game suspension. All-State candidate Whitney Fordman put up unimpressive numbers–by his standards–going a lackluster 9 for 28 for 112 yards and chucking two interceptions.

Many Division I scouts were in attendance, a fact that could help running back Nathan Burton’s chances for getting a scholarship. Burton, seemingly well-rested from his one-game suspension, carried the load for the Crows, rushing for 182 yards and two touchdowns. Fordman, the consummate team player, did not seem affected by his weak performance. “We won the game and the title. That’s all that matters, we did it for the man!” yelled Fordman as he pointed to the ceiling of the LuthorDome in obvious reference to Coach Walt Arnold. “This is not my win”, commented Coach Quigly, “This was Walt’s 201st”.

A parade is planned for 2 p.m. next Sunday in downtown, with a ceremony on the steps of city hall immediately following.

A DECENT BOYFRIEND AND OTHER URBAN LEGENDS

By Chloe Sullivan

Okay, how hard can it be to find a respectable guy at Smallville High? It’s not like I’m asking him to be a supergenius, supercool supermodel. He doesn’t have to be super anything. He could just know my last name or call.

Despite my knee-jerk urge to go talk-show on you, I’ve decided to give this particular rant a positive twist. As some yoga guru I’ve never met no doubt would say, “As you think, so shall it be.”

So instead of lingering on the obvious–most high school boys are selfish, immature, superficial idiots–I’ve decided to suck it up and give them some help.

Here are a few pointers to help you be a better boy:

1. If you say you’re going to call…call. 
2. If you say you’re going to show up…show up. 
3. If we’re complaining, don’t try to fix it. Just give us kisses, cake or flowers.
4. If we leave the room angry, we probably want you to follow and apologize.
5. If you think you’ve done nothing wrong, trust us, you have. 
6. “Boyfriend” is not a dirty word.

It’s a paradigm shift, I know. But the sooner you embrace these easy rules, the sooner you’ll be basking in the ever-elusive love of that cute girl who sits next to you in homeroom. And by the way, the last name’s Sullivan, and if you do call–just make sure it’s before 11.

FIRE AND ICE AND EVERYTHING NOT SO NICE

By Chloe Sullivan (who else?)

So I’m just going to lay it out there for you folks–you decide if I’m crazy. I’ve seen some freakazoid stuff with my own eyes over the past couple of weeks, and somebody’s got some explaining to do.

Up till now, it’s all been theory. Stories I clip from the Ledger, Internet articles by local scientist Dr. Steven Hamilton (the guy who’s still considered a weirdo, even though he warned us about this 12 years ago). But now my own eyes have seen the light, and I’m here to tell you there is something freaky going on here in Smallville. I could use some help figuring it out, so I’ll tell you what I’ve got.

Number one: I know it’s sensitive ’cause they are both gone now, but Sean and Jenna’s rocky relationship was not your typical after-school special. I don’t want to think about what happened to her, but I saw Sean Kelvin stick his hand in a swimming pool and turn the whole thing to ice in five seconds flat. The guy was blue! He literally sucked the heat out of everything he touched. WHO CAN DO THAT?

Number two: I saw a football coach MAKE FIRE COME OUT OF SPRINKLER HEADS, and I personally know of seven football players who saw it, too. You know who you are, so don’t even tell me that was a typical Monday night on the field. I would have had a picture of football inferno in last week’s edition of the Torch, but a “mysterious” force spontaneously combusted my Mac. HELLO–anyone out there? This stuff is really happening. How come I’m the only one onto it? If you’ve seen something strange, I want to know about it. I’m making it my mission to uncover the truth about what’s going on. Have you witnessed something you can’t explain? Do you have bizarre experiences that don’t seem right? E-mail your leads to Chloe.
Let’s get to the bottom of this.