Smallville Torch

Volume 50, Issue 47 | 2001

Smallville: America’s Strangest Town

By Chloe Sullivan

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve laid the theories out for you. I brought it to the people to help me figure out why Smallville has quickly become America’s strangest town. From 1989 on, things have gotten pretty whack funky around here, and some of you out there seem to feel the same way as I do. The following are some of the theories you’ve sent in to me. I’ve withheld my commentary on each so you can come to your own conclusions.

Surprisingly, the Torch is really getting out there, as I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from people who probably haven’t eaten at our school cafeteria since 1968. Thanks to those of you in the community who have written in and gone out of your way to obtain the Torch.

Theory #1:
Sender Name: Jim
Title: Weirdness in Smallville
Hey Chloe:
Great detective work! But I don’t think you can blame this on the merry Luthor clan. My father works at S.T.A.R. Labs, where Smallville sends data from the strangest phenomena that occur here in order to get it analyzed. He said that the tests performed so far on Tina Greer show that her skeletal and lymph systems are bonded to some sort of radioactive material that hasn’t been identified. He checked the characteristics of this substance against a couple of the meteorite rocks he collected from our property and thinks he’s found a match. Most of these strange occurrences have similar connections to the meteor shower. Though I agree that Lionel Luthor’s an aggressive businessman who will stop at nothing to succeed, I don’t think he is responsible for the strange things that have happened (even his own son was affected by the meteor shower). Keep thinking outside the box, and I’m sure you’ll find other things and people that all these weird things have in common. It could be right in front of you and you won’t see it. Great job and good luck.

Theory # 2
Sender Name: Maude
Title: Conspiracy Theory
I think that there’s one factor in the “What’s wrong with Smallville” equation that you can’t dismiss: Cheerleaders. Now, I know that we’ve had cheerleaders since long before both the meteor shower and the opening of the Luthor plant, but you have to put two and two together.

This is a long-term plan that the cheerleaders have set into motion. They began early this century, cheering their devious battle cry, “Fight, fight, fight!” This incessant call to violence has long weighed on the subconscious of our citizens.

Now, after years of violent and incendiary cheerleader propaganda and subliminal programming, the citizens are ripe for the cheerleaders’ evil bidding. Their most loyal devotees? The football team. Notice anything strange about our beloved coach? Tina Greer tried to infiltrate their ranks, and where did it land her? Any coincidence that Lana Lang seems to be at the center of these mysterious events? I think not.

Theory # 3
Sender: Michelle
Title: Meteorite Fertilizer Plant
Here’s a thought that will make your blood run cold…or turn green, a nice healthy glowing green. What if the meteors are being ground up by LuthorCorp and then put in the fertilizer they sell… Hmmm, farmers use it and contaminate the ground water and the water table. In other words, take meteorite, add water and voilà, the instant zaniness that is Smallville.

More theories? Bring ’em on–e-mail them to Chloe.

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