Volume 50, Issue 45 | 2001
By Chloe Sullivan
So the Torch was torched, but as promised, I’m back. As a wave of flames nipped at my heels, I started thinking . . . what is it with Smallville?
Do a quick math problem with me. October 25, 1989–D.O.S. (Day of Shower). Meteors fall from the sky, decimating the idyllic hamlet of Smallville. Post-D.O.S.–weird stuff starts to happen. Don’t believe me? Let’s add up a few of the freaky events of the past month.
Take one Jeremy Creek in a coma since D.O.S.–dorky kid, aged exactly no days, shows up at Homecoming unconscious at the wheel of a crashed truck. Add to Jeremy one Greg Arkin–Mom found dead, entombed in a “spider” web. But then subtract Greg Arkin, because he hasn’t been seen since. Add in one Legendary Football Coach going for win 200, but don’t get too attached, because you have to subtract him, too. Unfortunately, Coach mysteriously disappeared in a fire after his players named him in a schoolwide cheating scandal. Multiply it all by Tina Greer–found impersonating a football star and trying to kill Lana Lang. Conveniently, we’ve got to subtract her too because she was shipped off to an asylum to work on her identity crisis. What’s the sum of all that craziness? One seriously screwed-up small town.
Normal events? I think not. Smallville? I think so. Post-D.O.S. Smallville has definitely been pretty psycho, but the question is: Why? Despite all our fun math, you can’t just blame the meteor shower, because around the same time, Lionel Luther opened Plant No. 3. Fertilizer Plant No. 3 . . . probably not a bastion of environmental safety. I’m not placing blame here. I’m just presenting you with the variables. Lemme know your theories at Chloe.
- WHERE ARE OUR PRIORITIES?
- TORCH TORCHED
- HEROES REVEALED!
- CROWS WIN STATE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR WALT!
- A DECENT BOYFRIEND AND OTHER URBAN LEGENDS
- FIRE AND ICE AND EVERYTHING NOT SO NICE
- Smallville: America’s Strangest Town
- TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF THE DRIVER’S SEAT
- THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL SPEECH EVER GIVEN IN SMALLVILLE
- NORMAL GIRLS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
- MY SEASON AS A BENCHWARMER: Doing My Part For The Cause
- SMALLVILLE: MUTANT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
- SMALLVILLE: LAND OF THE STRANGE
- RESPECT: IT’S NOT EXTINCT
- KWAN CRUSHES FREEDOM OF SPEECH
- WE WANT YOUR BLOOD