Smallville Torch

Volume 50, Issue 49 | 2001

SMALLVILLE: LAND OF THE STRANGE

by Chloe Sullivan

Here are some responses to my theory in last week’s Torch that Smallville is America’s strangest town.

HALF-LIFE THEORY

I believe we are seeing the effects of the strange meteorites that landed here 12 years ago now because their half life is every four years, and most of the pieces of rock are now reaching the end of their life, which for some strange reason is also when they are most potent.

Chris Luthor

C.S.: This is an interesting theory, and I would love to know if anyone out there has any evidence to back it up.

CHICKEN PATTIES

The reason for weirdness? I’m telling you–it’s the chicken patties. Have you ever seen how people cut in the lunch line to get those things? I swear, once the football team gets to the lunchroom, the patties are all gone. Very disturbing.

My theory is that the weird happenings are linked to the chicken itself, the breading, the cooking fat or a strange symbiotic mixture of the three. It can’t be the bun–the lunch ladies use the same ones on the hamburgers, and no one cares.

Remember what’s-her-face, the chubby chick? Well, people are saying that after she ate three of the chicken patty sandwiches, she started to get really, really thin. [Insert eerie music here.]

Chicken patties. You check out the date that the cafeteria first started serving them, and I think you’ll find that the lunch ladies started serving them around the time of the meteors in 1989–coincidence? Conspiracy, maybe…

Chloe, how about an investigative report that matches the dates of lunchroom patties and strange events?

Diane

C.S.: I might stick a mild-mannered freshman investigative reporter on this one next year.

MAGICAL METEORITES

As the chairman of Astrophysics at Metropolis Institute of Technology, I find these theories involving the mysterious meteorites left by the shower preposterous. In no way can a simple meteorite have mutative and seemingly magical properties. These rumors are unfounded and offensive to someone of my standing. The public has a right to know that these mysterious happenings in Smallville are not caused by meteor fragments. If these rumors do not subside, I will be forced to take further action.

Professor James Olsen, Ph.D.

C.S.: Maybe you should take yourself out of the office and come on down to Smallville to do a little field research, pal. BTW, weren’t you the author of the report that discredited Dr. Steven Hamilton’s theories and helped lead to his expulsion from the Metropolis Scientists Society?

METEORS ARE JUST THE START…

The meteors may just be a small fraction of it. I personally believe that when the meteors hit twelve years ago, they knocked the Earth off course by the tiniest fraction of a degree. That, in conjunction with the planets aligning, the toxic fumes from the fertilizer plant and the turn of the millennium, created a semipermanent dimensional rift in the space-time continuum that is localized in Smallville. Due to the leakage of this portal, the meteors might be acting as a catalyst for all of these strange phenomena. Either that, or I’m totally wacko.

Kyle

C.S.: It’s definitely one of the two.

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