Volume 50, Issue 49 | 2001
SMALLVILLE: MUTANT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
by Chloe Sullivan
illustration by Tyler Harron
IT IS! No other city or town on the planet has the bizarre happenings that we have going on around here. Do any of your friends at other schools have shape-shifters in their homerooms? How about fat-sucking vampires? Anyone for heat-sucking jocko-freaks? Hello?…Anyone?…Anyone?…Bueller…? Yeah, that’s what I thought. News flash, folks! The answer is no. There’s something in the water supply turning our leafy little hamlet into a freakfest worthy of worldwide attention. And we deserve to know what it is.
I haven’t whipped out my exact theory yet, but I’m almost 100 percent sure that the answer must lie in the difference between Smallville, Kansas, and the rest of the entire planet. You see, the rest of the entire planet wasn’t violently assaulted by a barrage of rocks from outer space in the last decade or so! Take outer-space rocks, mix with human beings and you get a ton of freaking mutants.
We cannot blame LuthorCorp for this anymore. There are fertilizer plants all over the American Plains States, and these kinds of genetic mutations aren’t happening there. Trust me, if they were, we at the Torch would know about it. And even though the traditional news media is slower than a Beanery waitress to pick up on these facts, we here at the Torch are all over it. The thousands of theories we receive from you readers solidify the fact that we Smallvillians definitely live in the Mutant Capital of the World. Have you seen any mutants worth investigating? If so, lemme know–e-mail Chloe.
- WHERE ARE OUR PRIORITIES?
- TORCH TORCHED
- HEROES REVEALED!
- CROWS WIN STATE CHAMPIONSHIP FOR WALT!
- A DECENT BOYFRIEND AND OTHER URBAN LEGENDS
- FIRE AND ICE AND EVERYTHING NOT SO NICE
- Smallville: America’s Strangest Town
- TAKE YOURSELF OUT OF THE DRIVER’S SEAT
- THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL SPEECH EVER GIVEN IN SMALLVILLE
- NORMAL GIRLS OF THE WORLD UNITE!
- MY SEASON AS A BENCHWARMER: Doing My Part For The Cause
- SMALLVILLE: MUTANT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
- SMALLVILLE: LAND OF THE STRANGE
- RESPECT: IT’S NOT EXTINCT
- KWAN CRUSHES FREEDOM OF SPEECH
- WE WANT YOUR BLOOD