Smallville Torch

Volume 50, Issue 48 | 2001

NORMAL GIRLS OF THE WORLD UNITE!

by Chloe Sullivan

Listen up, ladies. I’m about to propose something completely revolutionary. It’s a bold test of human will, a high-stakes battle against socialization. It’s crazy, it’s “out there,” but it just might work.

You see, my fine female friends, each day at Smallville High, we’re falling deeper and deeper into a “chick” trap, and I’m tired of it.

In order to shake things up a bit, I dare you to quit being a girl for one week. 

That’s right, you heard me. Just stop it. It’s making me sick–the diets, the negative self-image, all of it. Don’t get me wrong; this is not a holier-than-thou rant. I’m sick of me too. But being the proactive freakazoid that I am, I actually need to do something about it. So for one week, I’m staging a girl revolt and I want YOU to get on board!

By joining me, you agree to abstain from all conversations beginning with the following phrases:

  1. “I hate my ______ (enter body part here)”…
  2. “If only I looked like ______ (enter hard-to-pronounce supermodel name here)”…
  3. “I’ll never eat ______ (enter anything from carb section of food pyramid here)”…
  4. “I’m saving up to get my ______ done (enter body part from #1 here)”… 
  5. “I wish I were ______-er (enter adjective)”…

The way I see it, the whole chicks-with-self-image-problems thing is so 1992. And if you really want to get into it, I suspect it’s a widespread conspiracy designed to keep women from concentrating on things that really matter. In my business, they call that a red herring.

Don’t believe me? Think about these creepy tidbits: Ever notice that when you’re hungry, you feel weak? That’s no accident. What about when cults starve people to persuade them to join? Coincidence? I think not. I know I’m always shouting about some conspiracy. But this one’s for real, and if we don’t watch it, it’ll take over our lives.

So in conclusion, I suspect that if we all refrain from talking about the above-mentioned topics, I have a funny feeling Smallville High will be pretty quiet all week. Even if it’s only for a few days, it’ll be a relief.

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